One Man’s Log

This post was originally published in December, 2000. 

Last night, I was lying in my bed, reading and about to drift off, when all of a sudden these strange aliens came through the window and started beating me with mallets. This went on for an hour, and then they pulled off my feet and replaced my tongue with a catfish. The tallest one said my name three times, waved his hand above me, and I passed out. I woke up the next morning to find out it was all a dream. Still, all that shit happened somehow.

. . .
Theory: All men are created equal. But only some men created EqualTM. This is the nature of injustice.

. . .
An idea for a movie, Party or Not, Here I Come: Jack is a young man who’ll let nothing get in the way of a good time, not even death by suffocation during the opening credits. The rest of the film concerns his corpse and the stray dogs that depend on it for food. Heed No Master—an alternate title?

. . .
On Tuesday afternoon, I went to my therapist for the first time in a long time. After two hours of probing and discussion, I realized I was actually sitting in a dumpster speaking to a raccoon. Quickly but calmly, I got up to go to my therapist.

. . .
Premonition: In the future, there will be no such thing as circles.

Prediction: I will soon be investing heavily in technology involving squares.

 

-By Christian Rudder