You Probably Shouldn’t Have Tickled Me

I really considered not sending this e-mail, but I decided I needed to say something.

At the risk of coming across as “unfun,” I feel like you shouldn’t have tickled me while I was at a work. Tickling someone at work is very unprofessional to say the least, but it’s downright dangerous given that I’m a pilot.

Flying planes is a task that is far more difficult to do while being tickled. Now if my job was something like an accountant, I think it would be significantly more permissible for you to try and tickle me at work.

On second thought, that seems unfair to accountants. I’ve never been one, so who am I to say it’s okay for them to be tickled on the job? I think I should be able to make my point without throwing them (accountants) under the bus.

I didn’t want to bring this up at the time, but the plane I was flying when you staged your “tickle attack” was actually carrying very important medicine. That wasn’t intended as a “humblebrag,” but is meant to convey the weight of your decision to tickle me while audibly referring to yourself as “the chuckle farmer, harvester of laughs.”

Of course, I don’t mean to imply that pilots whose planes aren’t carrying millions of dollars worth of vaccines deserve to be tickled. Just that their stakes are a bit lower.

And I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but you also should not have given me a “wet willie.” I believe that is the technical term for what you did to my ear with your non-tickling hand. The combination of tickling and the unpleasantness in my ear made it particularly difficult to maintain control of the plane, and if a pilot loses control of the plane they are flying, it can crash.

I hope I’m not coming across as condescending. I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt in this situation by assuming you may have very little knowledge about how a plane functions. Everyone seems to think they just “fly themselves” these days, but that isn’t Wright, brother!

Sorry, that was some aviation humor. I had many picture books about planes when I was young.

I don’t know much about the books you had your childhood. After all, I believe this is only the third time we’ve met, isn’t it? I’m counting the time you threw water balloons at me while I was riding my bike in that triathlon and the time you prank called me while my wife was in labor.

To be honest, I’m not sure how exactly you keep finding me or why you seem so fixated on causing so much… well, “inconvenience” seems like too tame a word. It does make me wonder what sort of pictures books you had a child.

Speaking of childhood, the medicine I was delivering was for children.

Wow, I immediately regret saying that. That felt like a cheap shot.

You know what, reading over all of this, I’m worried it’s going to come off as aggressive, and that’s not my intention. I’m not trying to change you or hurt you, I just wish you wouldn’t have tickled me at that particular moment. This still reads a little too judgmental.

Just forget I said anything.