WELCOME, FRIEND, TO PREMIUM STATUS (TM)

Congratulations! You are now approved for Premium Friend Status (TM)! Annual benefits include up to three dinner dates or five lunch meetings, during which I will vigorously display my interest in your stories, ask appropriate follow-up questions, and take mental notes on the names of your sibling(s) and annoying first cousin(s) in Temecula. Look forward to a birthday present valued between $25 to $49 accompanied by a humorous card making light of a irrational fear that you previously mentioned. Additionally, plan one Sunday road trip to an event within 40 miles, such as the popular Autumn Apple-Picking where I will ask you about the boy/girl you are dating and about recent movies you have enjoyed, all while we share local produce. Karaoke and air-karate while chugging medium-grade scotch? Of course!

You’ll also be earning valuable Friend Points (FPs) for each Facebook Like and double points for Twitter Retweet that you apply to my social feeds (Twitter Favorites not applicable for FPs). You’ll also earn half points for any social activity on my wife’s social feeds, excluding any activity regarding “non-me” subjects such as knitting. FPs may be redeemed for exclusive text messages, or saved up for a personal phone call of up to 23 minutes in which we discuss the inadequacy of your parents. Or we can relive amusing moments with your childhood crushes and/or a minor local celebrity. For only 200 more FPs we can discuss the sexual oddities of your partner in full discretion.

Want a richer Friendship Experience? Considering upgrading to Premium Friend Plus, a unique experience that incorporates secret online activities, one-of-a-kind print mailings, and a personal holiday present of between $45 to $74 which will be carefully chosen based on your Amazon Wishlist and notes from previous engagements we have had together. Will I remember that your favorite movie is Short Circuit II and purchase you a limited-edition signed DVD? Will I get you that waffle-maker you’ve had on your wishlist for over three years and also include apple butter from that farm we visited as part of your official Premium Status visit? Will I trim a locket of your hair while you sleep and include a picture of me in the act, pantless? Find out by upgrading!

Stuck on what to get a co-worker for a wedding present? Consider Bonus Friend Gift! It includes all of the benefits of Basic Friend such as ribbing Monday morning emails tailored to your friend’s football loyalties, as well as a personalized love song I will compose and record on my phone after drinking four beers while crouched between cars outside of his/her apartment building. One verse will be dedicated to you and feature the name of your favorite cheese, references to a shared physical ailment, and the unauthorized sound of your friend’s mother as she shops for groceries. Choruses will include handclaps, and the bridge may include a call-and-response of names of your mutual friends.

Thank you again for supporting our Friendship with your financial donations. It is an honor to continue our valuable commitment. Please renew your annual pledge by December 31. I would hate to have to tell your coworker Cheryl about that torrid dream you had about her, a shirtless Sam Elliott, and a vest made of dehydrated fruits. It would also be a shame to lose out on all of the FPs you have accrued, which will be immediately inactive and converted to Enemy Deductions (EDs).

Let’s have a great year, Friend! Send my love to your Significant Other/Current Crush, Child(ren), and Pet(s)!