To Whom It Probably Doesn’t Concern At All

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istock

Dear Ms. Benowitz,

I am an experienced writer with a background in digital media, an ardor for online publishing, and a proficiency in using Thesaurus.com. I am seeking a full-time editorial position that will allow me to grow over time and eventually be able to stop borrowing money from my grandparents. I think the Assistant Editor position at Shape-Up magazine sounds like the perfect opportunity for someone with my skills, background, and desire to put my current boss in a 3-D printer and hit “Reverse.” Eat a butt, Steve!

I currently work for a healthy living website as the Freelance Assistant Community Manager Coordinator, which means “I don’t get benefits.” For the past two years, I’ve been responsible for editing blog posts, pitching trend stories, spearheading social media campaigns, and re-explaining to my mother that no true artists have health insurance. There is room for growth in my current office, mostly for Steve’s man boobs. In recent months, he’s been cutting budgets, downsizing departments, and fired the only person in the office who was strong enough to replace the jug for the water cooler. Now, nobody changes it. NOBODY. I’m so thirsty.

Previously, I served as a copywriter for a rapidly growing online publication owned by my sister’s husband. I assure you this was not a matter of nepotism, as my sister and I don’t really like each other. There, I created daily Facebook content for both the company’s account and my own. You may notice on my resume that this position was short-lived. This is because the company abruptly let me go to bring in some Columbia graduate, and I cried—well, sobbed, actually—in my brother-in-law’s office, unable to pull myself together amid his looks of helplessness and horror, and now there remains a palpable discomfort when we see each other at Thanksgiving. (But you see, this never would have happened had there been any nepotism).

It would be a great pleasure to meet at a time that is convenient for you and most likely inconvenient for me. I’ll just fabricate a story about an urgent mid-day appointment to get my lady parts checked out. My boss won’t even touch that, as he’s terrified of getting accused of sexual harassment, again. I can be contacted at the phone number or e-mail address provided, though I’d prefer e-mail, as it is 2015 and come on. I appreciate your time and consideration, and if I don’t hear back from you, I will probably cancel my Shape-Up subscription out of spite.

Sincerely,

Danielle Kraese