The Hypochondriac’s Medical Almanac, 23rd Edition

Black Death

Symptoms: Fever, headache, chills, and painful lymph nodes. Your lymph nodes probably just started hurting when you read that, assuming you know where they are.

Prognosis: They don’t call it “black life,” do they?

 

Cholera

Symptoms: Only about 10 percent of people who contract cholera actually show any symptoms, but do you really feel comfortable with those odds?

Prognosis: There’s really no risk of death if you’re living in a first world country, so if you’re reading this, you should be fine. If you’re not reading this, you’re probably in trouble.

 

Insomnia

Symptoms: You spent all day reading WebMD and now your mind won’t stop racing.

Prognosis: You’ll feel super fatigued tomorrow at work, leaving you convinced that you have Cholera.

 

Meningitis

Symptoms: You recently learned about meningitis.

Prognosis: Nearly instant death.

 

Tapeworm

Symptoms: The sushi you ate yesterday tasted a little off.

Prognosis: Completely treatable with the proper medication. But that would require you to tell a doctor that you think you have a tapeworm, and you know they’ll think you’re gross even though they aren’t supposed to. And what about when your friends see you taking the pills? Better try and normalize the idea of having a tapeworm right now so they won’t judge you if you ever get one.

 

Panic Attack

Symptoms: Like you need us to tell you this one.

Prognosis: You would feel a lot better once you stop reading about diseases, but you won’t so maybe try some breathing exercises.

 

Swine Flu

Symptoms: Remember this one? The media stopped covering it because they said the epidemic was over, but doesn’t that just mean this is the perfect time for it to strike?

Prognosis: Seriously, if no one is thinking about it anymore, that probably means the doctors have forgotten how to treat it.

 

Zxxzerodosia

Symptoms: We made this one up, so no one knows what the symptoms are, which means the doctors won’t know what to look for when you become the first person to get it.

Prognosis: Super death.