The Beatrice and John McKenzie Center for Vascular Surgery Time Machine Silent Charity Auction

The Beatrice and John McKenzie Center for Vascular Surgery at The Morgan University Hospital is proud to present our annual silent charity auction menu. This year will be very special, however, as we have been given access to a prototype of a “Time Machine” being developed by one of Morgan’s very gifted doctoral students in particle physics, Brady Tillinger.

A quick disclaimer:

Brady has been relatively outspoken about his disapproval of this innovative set of silent auction offerings, so he has insisted that we make the following very clear: Brady Tillinger does not approve or condone the bidding on or execution of any time machine-based auction items or events.

It’s a good thing Brady isn’t in charge of the wet bar!

So, it is with great pleasure that we now proudly offer up the following items for silent auction this year that will make you the envy of everyone in your social circle (not to mention raising money for a very, very good cause)!

The BoSox Takedown (Bidding starts at $100,000)

One lucky Boston Red Sox Fan will be placed in a room with George “Babe” Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and Joe DiMaggio and given the chance to tell them what a lousy team they played for. The participant is encouraged to goad the players with racial epithets and question their sexuality as part of their customized BoSox Takedown. And, for an extra $10,000 donation, Ruth has promised to wear a Red Sox-themed women’s bikini, lipstick and rouge, and allow the participant to snap a picture of him in this degrading getup. An absolute must for the Red Sox fanatic in your life!

Never the Twain Shall Meet (Bidding starts at $200,000)

Co-op board meetings are so arduous. And the feeling of unnecessary solemnity just adds to the tedium of discussing pay raises for the porters or upgrading the building from Number 6 oil to gas. Not anymore! Tonight, you’ll be bidding on the chance to have Samuel Clemens himself run your next mandatory meeting of the board. Instead of bottling your vitriol at the stupidity of the treasurer’s suggestion for refurbishing the children’s playroom in the basement—again—let the silver tongue of American wit handle the retort instead. The master of humorous folk prose will distill and crystalize your rage about antiquated recycling policies, while simultaneously leaving everyone in the room shaking with riotous laughter. (NOTE: Mr. Clemens requires expenses covered for cleaning and drying of his suit, a two-horse carriage to and from the meeting, and a three course dinner at Delmonico’s.)

The Butterfly Affect (Bidding starts at $350,000)

What’s better than the catered lunch with Ashton Kutcher, star of the early 2000s movie The Butterfly Effect, which we auctioned off three years ago? Actually participating in and causing said effect! We will provide a choice of three pre-historic periods to transport yourself to, all within the Paleozoic Era (Cambrian, Ordovician, or Silurian). Once there, you can sneeze, stomp, and touch to your heart’s content. The outcome is a total roll of the dice! Perhaps a misstep of your Cole Haan loafer onto an ancient water bug will cause Connecticut’s public school system to rank higher than New Jersey’s (although we don’t think there are enough ancient water bugs to make that miracle happen [we’re looking at you, Lindsay and Thomas Holtzwieger!]). This exciting prize also includes a catered lunch with Ashton Kutcher.

Smoke ‘Em if You’ve Got ‘Em (Bidding starts at $600,000)

What’s the one thing every red-blooded man will risk sneaking out behind the guesthouse to do every night? Smoke a pre-embargo, hand rolled Cuban, that’s what! Well, we aren’t here to sell you a box of 1954 Romeo y Julietas (you’ll have to talk Jules Kovarik into giving you a tour of the walk-in humidor in his Palm Springs home if you want to gander at a couple dozen of those pristine Churchills). Instead, we’re offering you the greatest lighter for your high quality smoke imaginable: The Big Bang! You and one “smoking buddy” will be transported back to where time began to light your stogies on the literal hottest thing to ever exist. We will also provide matching monogrammed heat suits and two four-ounce pours of Remy Martin Louis XIII Grande Champagne Tres Vieille Age Inconnu.

??????????? (Bidding starts at $1.5 million)

As we were preparing for this very special evening of giving and celebration, one of the Center’s interns bumped into the time machine’s confusing control panel (we’re assuming it was a control panel, but hey… we’re not rocket scientists!). After an impressive display of flashing lights, sirens, and spoken warnings to power down the machine, a humanoid figure with a rat-like head and mucous covered tentacles protruding from its “mouth” tumbled to our feet. He (or she) thrust a beautiful, powder blue piece of stationary toward us with one of its five hands just before emitting a sound that can only be described as a dump truck barreling through an ASPCA. He/she released a copious amount of a pinkish-yellow opaque liquid, then expired. The following was written on the stationary that was handed to us:

wWHrningg peepled of 0t43rRRR RRth+

yOArr eQperrim3NT hAth PHAILD++

dUE n000t pRRRoseed+++

After some tinkering with the machine, we were able to find the coordinates that our rodent squid-faced friend originated from… and it turns out that he/she is actually from our exact time, only one or two alternate realities over!

So, it is with great excitement that we present this final (and, frankly, unexpected) auction item: the opportunity to travel to rodent-squid’s alternate reality of origin for a chance to return his/her rapidly decomposing body and visit with the men and women of his/her bizarre world. While you’re there, pick up a copy of The Goldfinch and read the alternate reality ending. Travel to parallel universe Montauk for the weekend to see where your summer home was relocated. Even take in a Broadway show. Who knows… maybe Andrew Lloyd Weber is that plane of existence’s Stephen Sondheim!