IS THAT PINK EYE OR BLOOD?

Guide to Owning Your First Necronomicon

If you’re reading this, you recently found yourself in possession of a Necronomicon. First of all, congratulations! The tome you hold in your hands contains

Guide to Owning Your First Necronomicon

TOTAL EXTERMINATION OF THE HEART

How to Identify and Cope With Your Miniature Unicorn Infestation

While termites, cockroaches, and neighbors who are anti-vaxxers can be handled discretely, a miniature unicorn infestation is something you need to act on quickly as

How to Identify and Cope With Your Miniature Unicorn Infestation

MY GOD IS TALL AND HOT AND SEE-THROUGH

It’s Never Too Early to Talk to Your Child About My God

Childhood is a difficult, complex time. We often idealize it as a period of carefree enjoyment, filled with hopscotch and other fun-labor, but that is

It’s Never Too Early to Talk to Your Child About My God

WHEN IN ROME BUY KNOCKOFF GUCCI

Modern Proverbs

An apple a day keeps the doctor at the Genius Bar. A knife placed under the bed during childbirth will ease the pain of labor,

PATRICIA ARQUETTE IS A HERO

Better Posters for Oscar Nominated Movies

   

Better Posters for Oscar Nominated Movies

DO U BELIEVE IN KANYE OR ARE YOU AN ATHEIST?

Kanye Westminster’s Dog Show Starts Today

Kanye Westminster's Dog Show Starts Today

LISTS

Valentine’s Day Options for Single People

If you can’t be with the one you love, Netflix has every episode of Gilmore Girls available on instant streaming. If you can’t be with

Valentine's Day Options for Single People

KICKHEADS

Names for Your Stupid Kickball Team

Sons of Pitches Sons and Daughters of Pitches Gender Is a Social Construct of Pitches The Hungover Games The I Never Used to Get this

Names for Your Stupid Kickball Team

SOULMEAT

Robert’s Rules of Ardor

My name is Robert, and I have a problem. I’m 36 and single with no viable romantic prospects. That’s not my problem, though. That’s more

Robert’s Rules of Ardor

KID STUFF

A Letter to My Babysitter Regarding the Scorpion Pit

from: Elizabeth McNeal<LizMcNeal72@comcast.com> to: me<Melissa_Ridge@gmail.com> Melissa, Thank you for agreeing to babysit for us on such short notice. My husband managed to get tickets for

A Letter to My Babysitter Regarding the Scorpion Pit