Modern Proverbs

An apple a day keeps the doctor at the Genius Bar.

A knife placed under the bed during childbirth will ease the pain of labor, especially when you stab it into your husband who is just sitting there drinking Starbucks.

Never whistle on a moonlit path unless you want to summon Josiah Duggar.

A dried frog, placed into a silk bag and worn around the neck will earn you the name “Mr. Ribbitz” in the insane asylum.

Early to bed and not so early to rise with Channing Tatum, please.

The sound of silver bells drives away demons because it reminds demons of their old choir teacher, Ms. Lunk, who had that horrible goiter. (She’s probably dead now.)

To protect yourself from witches, wear a blue scarf or, better yet, a cropped Taylor Swift concert tee with white capri pants and maybe a low heel.

English ivy growing on a house protects the inhabitants from the forces of Thin Mints.

A swarm of bees settling on your roof is an omen that your life is worse than you ever—and boy do I mean EVER!—imagined.

A stitch in time…can someone please tell me already what that even means because I can’t even finish the sentence.

Always spit on a new baseball bat before using it. That way when you haul off and whack Ted from Human Resources in the parking garage thinking he was actually a murderer and Ted ends up in a vegetative coma you can just giggle and shrug at how goofy life is.

If you kiss the Blarney Stone you’ll soon discover you don’t know ANYBODY in Ireland who can get you a prescription for Amoxicillin.

If you notice a crack in the ceiling you really should try to have more enthusiasm during sex.

If your right eye twitches, there will be a birth in the family. If your left eye twitches, everyone will notice it and pretend not to but you’ll be able to tell that they’re not really listening to you at all because your eye is going absolutely nuts.

If you drop a fork during breakfast I hope you die because I have a terrible hangover.

A horseshoe hung over a doorway is better than face herpes.

A friend in need is annoying as shit.

If God had meant man to fly, he would not have invented Malaysia Airlines.

Cows in a field lifting their tails is a sure sign rain is coming out of their ass.

If a young girl catches a ladybug then releases it, the direction in which it flies away doesn’t matter at all. No, seriously, it means absolutely nothing you sad, sad person looking for meaning in EVERYTHING.