Griswald: “The Town for Babies”

Griswald Town Meeting Transcript

Wednesday June 25th, 2018

Council Chambers

412 City Road, Griswald M.O.

Town Manager Kelly:

All right, first item on the agenda is the issue of the potholes on North Pleasant Street. Forty citizens of Griswald have reported major damage to their cars caused by—what’s that? You want your mama? Right now we’re dealing with the pothole issue. Yes, McKenzie, finding our mamas is the fourth item on the agenda. Yes, I understand that as a town of babies finding our mamas should be a top priority, but so too is filling these potholes.

Filling said potholes would cost the town an estimated—what’s that Jackson? You pooped your pants? Okay. When you hired me as town manager I specifically said I would handle town matters, not be a nanny. Okay okay, you can stop crying. Part of the job is keeping the meetings going, and if that means changing a diaper I’ll change a diaper. Does anyone have any baby powder?

[break in recording at 00:03:43]

[pick up at 00:12:22]

Town Manager Kelly:

Okay great, I’m glad we were able to allot the funds necessary for fixing those potholes. What? Oh, I was just notified that whoever is driving a Barbie Fashion Convertible Power Wheels, your lights are on.

Next on the agenda is the expansion of Griswald Community College. We’d have to make an exception to our zoning rules since—yes, that’s where they put on the puppet shows. No, I don’t think that’s a reason to make an exception. I’m sorry Sophia, I’m just going to say it: Letting Griswald Community College do whatever they like because you loved their puppet production of “Rumpelstiltskin” is a textbook example of corruption. If you think I’m going to go along with the miniature modern version of Boss Tweed… Okay can we all stop crying? I’m sorry, I just care a lot about this town and I don’t—look I’m sorry, just please everyone stop crying—okay, all right we can watch one episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, but that’s it.

[break in recording at 00:14:13]

[pick up at  00:28:09]

Town Manager Kelly:

…Yes I’m sure we don’t have time to watch another episode. Anyway, I think we should form a task force to evaluate whether allowing the college to expand will… Okay, I’m sorry about yelling earlier. I overreacted. I just think we should see if traffic congestion would build if—Oh? You’re not crying because of the college? All 86 of you are hungry? Yes, there’s plenty of mashed peas and carrots here at the Town Hall. Again, I was hired to be a town manager not a babysitter—okay fine I will spoon feed all of you…. Here comes the airplane!

[break in recording at 00:32:59]

[resume at 01:18:01]

All right. Is everyone done burping? Terrific. Anyway, I think we should table any decision on the expansion of the College and move onto discussing our 3rd item, our nominee for the new chief of police for Griswald.

Aiden Thompson has been tough on enforcing bedtimes, and the rules for sharing snacks, I think this is a slam dunk people. He’s been on the police force here in Griswald for 2 months, and I know that makes him practically a fossil to most of you, but… You’re all asleep. Aiden, I’m sorry about—you’re also asleep. Okay, I guess I could use some shut eye as well.

[break in recording at 01:21:23]

[resume at 02:23:51]

Ah! Woah! I’m awake, I’m awake. All right, um I think it’s probably best if we skipped ahead to the fourth and final item of the agenda: where are our mamas? Whoops. It looks like we are way past time. How about that. Looks like we are adjourned, hope to see most of you next week.