Disclaimers and Fine Print

  • DANGER: URINAL CAKES ARE NOT THAT KIND OF CAKE
  • Batteries not included, nor advisable, in this Egg McMuffin.
  • Do not take boner pills if you are also taking anti-boner pills. If you experience a boner that lasts longer than five hours, awesome.
  • Objects in mirror are actually behind you.
  • At participating locations only. You cannot order the Cool Ranch Gordita at a telephone booth or muffler store.
  • Breaking this seal voids your warranty. This means you, polar bears.
  • KEEP THIS FUN TOY OUT OF THE REACH OF SMALL CHILDREN AND LAUGH AT THEM
  • Do not bent, fold, or mutilate this bunny.
  • Winners Constantly Use Drugs. Injecting Industrial Solvents, Snorting Beetle Venom, Shit You Have Not Even Heard Of.
  • Do not operate heavy machinery while operating this second piece of heavy machinery unless you are really good at it.
  • Doctor Doom is not an actual doctor, and his advice, e.g. “Curse you, Mister Fantastic!” is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any disease.
  • No animals were harmed during the making of this commercial in which someone pats a dog on the head and smiles.
  • THIS IS NOT A STEP IT IS A BABY
  • Cheetos are rad!! Wow! Cheetos!! Cool. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.
  • Warning: Westman brand paint is for painting, not for spraying into a bag and smelling, unless you want a really good time (note: write last clause in font only readable by teens).
  • Slimer Bubblegum neither protects from, not contains, poltergeists.
  • If symptoms persist, consult a warlock.
  • BAG OF SNAKES. (WARNING: IS A BAG OF SNAKES.)
  • This beverage is best enjoyed before the date printed on your death certificate.
  • If this product causes eye irritation or redness, flush your eyes down the toilet and purchase new ones at the eye store.
  • This program contains scenes of violence and may be unsuitable for dorks.
  • This calculator is not intended for entertainment purposes only. Do not spell “BOOBS” on it.
  • Not available in all states, e.g. fugue, rogue, emergency.
  • Advisory: listening to music at or above this volume is awesome
  • You must be 18 to enter, or two 9-year-olds standing on each other’s shoulders inside a trench coat.
  • BEWARE OF DOG. THERE ISN’T ONE HERE; JUST GENERALLY
  • These peanuts are processed in a facility that processes peanuts.
  • In event of fire, remain calm and not on fire
  • Warning: The Houston Astros may cause drowsiness
  • Notice: The Houston Astros are not affiliated with Astro, the dog from the Jetsons
  • Danger: Are The Houston Astros
  • Please remain seated until this methodical sexual experience has come to a complete stop.
  • Big John’s Hoagies is not affiliated with Big John Johnson, Big Jon Schlongman, or any of those porn guys.
  • One Size Fits All Europeans
  • The opinions in this Gross Butts editorial are solely those of the author, and do not reflect the views of Butt-Related Entertainment Incorporated, its subsidiaries, or shareholders.
  • Parental Advisory: This album whose cover art features zombies gnawing on someone’s eviscerated entrails also contains some bad words.
  • UH OH, THIS MOVIE HAS A BOOB
  • Parental Advisory: This album is terrible.